


Because he had to

by bodhirookandor



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: M/M, death cw, im just so so sorry, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 12:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10464417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodhirookandor/pseuds/bodhirookandor
Summary: ‘It’s beautiful,’ he thought, staring at Bodhi’s bright grin and fluttering hands, ‘almost like a star. I want this. I want this.’





	

**Author's Note:**

> *sobs* Death CW

Cassian Andor knew war; knew its ugliness, felt its presences, its hunger. He understood the desperation and bone deep fury it created. He lived with the consequences, carried them around wherever he went, draped across his shoulders. He knew war, knew everything about it. He’d known it all his life.

His father used to tell him that war could be all encompassing, a hell where there was no way out. His father, blaster in his hand and a fierce look in his eye, used to tell him that if he’d ever lost his hope, his will to see a better future, then there would be no way for him to escape. And Cassian believed him, held the knowledge close to his heart and breathed in the hidden promise.

And then his father died and Cassian was on his own, struggling to hold onto his hope. He breathed in deep, staring at his father’s dead body, his mouth closed but his heart weeping, and set to work. War, his father told him, was hell. Cassian found it to be more terrible than that.

He’d worked for the rebellion for as long as he could remember, subterfuge and information gathering his specialty. He was 18 when they put a blaster in his hand, looked him in the eye, and ordered him to kill in the name of the rebellion. And so, he did, hands shaking, tears in his eyes, he did.

Cassian never looked at himself in the mirror after that. 

“Hope,” his mother used to tell him, eyes shining with the force of three stars, “is as beautiful as it is lifesaving.” Cassian wondered when his hope would save him, even though he already knew the answer. He stared ahead of him, head up and eyes blazing and did his job. He’d done what he had to and so he lived with it, like he always did.

It went on like this for a while, his experience growing with every mission that went his way. Sometimes they were easy, simple missions like information gathering and subterfuge. Other times he killed, stared someone dead in the eye and removed them from the universe. Those missions took a piece of him each time, left him hallowed out, soul ripped to pieces until he was nothing more than what was needed for the rebellion.

His hope still clung to him, just as stubborn as he.   
  


***

Loneliness was something he was used to, a wraith that dogged his every step. He could ignore it most of the time, when the sun was high in the sky and he had a mission to do. But at night, when there was nothing for him to do but face his emotions, his guilt, Cassian surrendered to the harsh grip of his loneliness, let it run amok inside him until all he could do was pass out in his shame. He was used to the loneliness, the silence that followed him. Until he wasn’t.

 The droid he’d procured from the Imperials was K2SO. A security droid that he told himself he reprogrammed for the sole purpose of gaining information from the Empire. He steadfastly ignored the voice in his head that hissed his fear of being alone again made him reprogram the droid.

 Cassian would never admit it, but being with Kay was a breath of fresh air. The droid was smart, funny in a way that had him laughing quietly to himself more than once. They bonded quickly, becoming a cohesive unit. They were just coworkers for a while, nothing more than companions who carried out missions together, until Jenoport. Until he couldn’t move away, staring at his blaster and the dead body in front of him with tears in his eyes and a roaring in his ears. Until Kay walked over and gently (Cassian had never thought the droid could do _anything_ gently) moved him away from the body.

 “I’m here,” Kay had said, managing to be both awkward and helpful, “would you like me to carry you back to the ship?” And Cassian could do nothing but laugh, grateful the droid hadn’t told him it was going to be okay, and overcome with too much emotion.

 From that moment on, Kay had become family, although Cassian refused to admit it.

And so, it went, the two of them moving through the galaxy, gathering informants and quietly dismantling the Empire’s hold on several planets. Cassian held onto his hope, protected it against the deaths that surrounded him, broadcasted it to every single person he met, and nurtured it with every advantage the rebellion gained.

“Rebellions,” he told Kay, eyes shining bright and a rare smile on his face, “are built on hope.” Cassian liked to believe his parents approved.  
  


***

Hope, Cassian found, would never abandon him. It retracted within him, tucked into his heart and hidden behind battle scars and strangled betrayals, but it never left him. Sometimes it wavered, in danger of being spread thing and snuffed out, but it always returned. Cassian stared at the dead body of one of his most trusted informants, heart screaming but mouth closed, eyes stinging but tears never falling, and he felt his hope shrink inside him.

Tivik told him, eyes blown wide with terror, that the Empire was building a weapon. Cassian believed him.

He stared at the agitated person in front of him and titled his head, analyzing. Erso’s daughter stared ahead of them, face nonchalant but that wasn’t what Cassian saw. Her body language screamed defeat, a fear and an anger so deep it practically manifested around her. She was angry, but not enough to do anything. Tired perhaps, exhausted of constantly fighting. 

She agreed to work with them, however reluctantly. Cassian already felt the headache settle between his eyes.  
  


***

His original orders were to bring Erso in, have him stand in front of the Rebellion and find some way to atone for his crimes. His new mission offered Erso no atonement. Cassian was ordered to kill, and he nodded, even as his gut twisted.

His mother once told him that she’d do anything, _anything_ , to give him the best future he could possibly have. Cassian would do anything, sacrifice anything, to bring a better future for those after him. He nodded at his superior officer, hands behind his back, gaze forward. His mission was accepted, Galen Erso would die and Cassian would live with the consequences. As he always did.

His hope wavered even more, but Cassian ignored it and got them ready to head to Jedha.

Slipping into Jedha was easy, nothing more than a few smooth words, a tight smile, and a smooth transfer of credits. The problem laid with leaving Jedha, especially with someone as high profile as the pilot no doubt was. Cassian felt his smile grow even more tense, curling around his face until it no longer resembled a smile.

There was a reason no one ventured into NiJedha. Cassian could practically feel the oppressive weight of the Empire on his back as he moved around the city. A part of him, still so open and soft, wept for the citizens and the city in general. It was a holy place once, a place of hope and _life_. Now it was nothing more than a shell of its former self and Cassian couldn’t help but take a deep breath and mummer a soft prayer.

“NiJedha may have bent under the Empire, but it didn’t crumble.” Someone said and Cassian turned his head to see a man sitting atop a crate, another man behind him. He tilted his head and stared hard at the man, gritting his teeth as Jyn moved to talk to them.

“Yes, I’m talking to you,” the man said, turning to look at him, his sightless eyes locking onto his own. Breaking eye contact (although not missing the smirk the man gave), Cassian glanced down at the man’s robes and rose an eyebrow in recognition. The man’s smirk grew and clicking his teeth in irritation, Cassian moved walked away, hissing at Jyn to follow.

“This place is about to blow,” he told her, his eyes flitting from place to place, unable to get the man’s words out of his head.

It was silent for a second, the entire square managing to become quiet. The only sound Cassian could truly hear with clarity was his own breathing, even and slow as it always was. He saw one of the insurgents move, shadows concealing their form, and he moved for cover.

It was silent. For a second. Two. And Cassian took a deep breath and readied his blaster, motioning for Jyn to do the same.

There was a reason no one went to NiJedha anymore.

Blaster rained down upon imperial forces, fire erupting as bombs rocked the ground below them. Cassian stayed hidden, refusing to gain the attention of either group until he was ready.

His plan was ruined by a child and Jyn’s apparent compassion. She saved the child and Cassian had to shoot an insurgent for their safety. He knew what the consequences were, felt it the moment the shot pierced their body. A life for two. Cassian sucked in his teeth and kept going. Like he always did.

He was unsurprised to see Kay there, the droid had never actually listened to all his orders, only the ones he deemed were not “utterly terrible.” He was even more unsurprised that they were unable to bluff past the Stormtroopers. Kay’s specialty was not lying. He was, however, surprised to be helped by the guardians from before. The one that had spoken to him, after beating the Stormtroopers around him, turned and grinned.

“I told you,” he began, sitting down on a Stormtrooper’s head, “NiJedha may have bent, but it cannot be broken.” Cassian didn’t reply, only nodded.

Insurgents surrounded them, angry and vengeful for the death of one of their own, and Cassian let them cuff him and place a bag over his head. Consequences sometimes contained hidden rewards. Like meeting Gerrera himself. Cassian felt his hope grow and warm his insides. Find Gerrera and then find Erso; find Erso and kill him.

His hope wavered, slightly tainted by the wave of self-revulsion and guilt. Cassian barely twitched.

“There is more than one sort of prison, Captain; I sense you carry yours wherever you go.” One of the guardians (Chirrut, he happily introduced himself) stated. He said it with such conviction that Cassian couldn’t respond, merely stand and stare at the man who didn’t spare him a look. His eyes were closed, serenity practically radiating out of him.

Cassian gnashed his teeth together and turned away, planning to keep his silence, until one of them hissed “imperial pilot!” He turned, shoving the man out of the way, the phrase “we need him,” leaving him in a rush. He put his head in the barred window and asked a question that would change everything for him.

“Are you the pilot?”

(Later, sitting in the med bay, eyes bone dry and hands trembling, Cassian would be reminded of this moment. He’d be reminded of wide brown eyes, of a shuddered breath and a shaky smile. He’d be reminded of the man that saved his life and he’d weep.)

The man turned to him, lips parted and whispered a soft “yes,” and Cassian couldn’t help but smile. His hands gripped the bars in front of him and he couldn’t help the excited shiver of his voice as he asked the man where Galen Erso was.

The man looked at him, jaw moving but no sound coming out of his lips. Cassian said nothing, even though he knew time was running out, the man deserved a few minutes to gather himself. Cassian breathed deep as deep (impossibly deep, _so expressive_ ) brown eyes locked onto his own and held him there.

‘Why are you helping me?’ They asked, demanded really. Fire burned behind them and Cassian couldn’t help the soft gasp that escaped his mouth.

“Eadu,” the man said at last, voice shredded but still strong. He sat upright and his eyes _blazed_ , as though waiting for Cassian to deny his claim. But Cassian believed him, believed him with every fiber of his being.

His hope sang under his veins, warmed by the man’s own hope and defiance. Cassian’s smile grew into a grin.

“Eadu,” he repeated. And the pilot smiled at him, shaky and unbalanced, but a smile nonetheless and Cassian couldn’t help but stare. He went to say more but the world shook around them. 

Time sped up, and Cassian hurried to open the cell, shouting at the two men that shared the cell with him to get the pilot out. Yelling at Kay to get the ship ready, Cassian grabbed Jyn and left the prison that held him. He barely spared a look at the collapsing planet around him, sprinting to the ship. Almost running into Bodhi’s frozen form, Cassian grabbed the man’s hand and moved as fast as he could to the ship. The two of them jumped onto the ship, and Cassian didn’t speak as he and Kay plunged them into hyperspace, narrowly escaping the destruction of NiJedha.

NiJedha had finally fallen. Cassian felt his hope screaming as it was crushed under his disbelief and muted terror. 

His mission still stood. The weapon was confirmed.

But all weapons had a weakness and Cassian felt his heart leap as Jyn described a fatal flaw in the Planet Destroyer. He almost grinned but masked the urge by asking her where the message was. Frowning in annoyance as she told him she forgot it on Jedha, Cassian turned to Bodhi, asking the man if he’d seen the message himself. The man shook his head, his fingers fluttering in front of his imperial suit. Cassian felt his shoulders drop a fraction of an inch but he ignored it.

All hope was not lost.  
  


***

They headed towards Eadu, Bodhi joining him and Kay at the front of the ship. The man’s speech pattern was broken, curling around some words and dropping others. There were times where he’d go to say something, but his tongue didn’t cooperate with him, the words becoming a jumbled mess behind frustration and shame. Cassian didn’t point it out, Kay taking his lead.

‘How long were you with Gerrera,’ he wondered, staring at the pilot from the corner of his eyes, ‘how long until he thought he broke you?’ Cassian said nothing and they landed on Eadu. Nodding at the pilot to follow him, Cassian grabbed his sniper and swallowed the part of him that moaned with grief.

Bodhi, (the pilot introduced himself as they walked up the mountain) spoke the entire way up the mountain, lips moving too slow for certain words. He continued talking, and Cassian let him, sure that it was the man’s way of destressing from what he’d gone through. Cassian eyed the burns along the man’s neck, the dried blood around his temple. He took the way the man trembled, the fact that he stumbled more often than not, exhaustion weighing him down. 

“How long were you with him?” He asked, the question tumbling out of him without his consent. Bodhi paused, staring straight ahead for a second before turning to look at him. His eyes blazed just like they did in the cell, fury, caution and muted hope swirling in their depths. Cassian sucked in a breath and found himself staring back.

“A while,” Bodhi shrugged but Cassian could hear what he wasn’t saying, could hear the challenge.

Bodhi Rook may have been bent, but he refused to break. And Cassian grinned, no doubt startling the man in front of him. His grin softened a moment later, settling into a smile that was too warm on his face, but felt right in a way that it hadn’t for a long time. 

“Must’ve been a long time,” he whispered, moving slightly closer to the man. Bodhi tilted his head, strands of hair falling into his eyes and Cassian wondered if it would be okay for him to push them out of the way. He didn’t though, his hands stayed at his side like they always did.

“Yeah,” Bodhi breathed, eyes flickering down from his eyes to lips and back again before the man moved slightly back. Cassian blinked and they continued to walk up the mountain, neither of them willing to comment on what had taken place.

(Later, behind closed doors and a dark room, Cassian would acknowledge that at that moment his hope looked a lot like deep brown eyes.)

They made it to their spot and Cassian crouched down low in the water, configuring his sniper and looking through the lens at his target. Galen Erso would die tonight and Cassian Andor would be the one to kill him. For the good of the galaxy. 

Maybe if he said it enough times it would sound okay.

He didn’t look up as he ordered Bodhi to go back down, refusing to have the man be a witness to what he was about to do.

“You’re going to kill him,” Bodhi whispered, voice rough in ways that made Cassian’s limbs burn, “is that what you want?” Cassian rose so quickly it was a wonder he didn’t slip and fall to his death. He rested his forehead on Bodhi’s his body too close to the other man, but not close enough.

“Go back down, Bodhi,” he whispered, his voice just shy of begging, “go back down and help Kay.” Bodhi stared at him, mouth open and eyes shining bright. He said nothing for a moment, and then nodded, moving away from Cassian.

“There comes a time, Cassian, when you have to wonder if the orders you’re fulfilling are really worth it in the end.” With that, Bodhi makes his way down the mountain, the rain obscuring his form a moment later.

Cassian crouches back down, refusing to acknowledge the slight tremor in his hands. Erso was in his sights and Cassian could take the shot. He laid there, finger hovering over the trigger and didn’t move. A second past, and then two, a minute later and Cassian understood what his mind refused to acknowledge.

Galen Erso did not die by his hand that night. He died by blaster fire, cradled in the arms of his daughter as she wept over his slowly growing cold body. Jyn blamed him, blamed the rebellion and spat on his actions.

“You might as well be a Stormtrooper,” she stated, the words final and damning. Cassian clenched his teeth, refusing to acknowledge the twist in his stomach. 

“You’re not the only one who lost everything,” he hissed back, memories threatening to overwhelm him, “some of us just decided to do something about it.” He turned and walked away from her, hands balled up into fists.

He moves away from the group, staring ahead of him and willing the slight tremor in his hands away. Tears stung his eyes but Cassian pushed them back with practiced ease. He tensed as Bodhi sat next to him. 

“You didn’t kill him.” The man stated rather than asked, fingers running over the edges of his goggles. Cassian found himself answering anyway, the soft “no,” leaving his lips without him meaning to. 

“Why?” No emotion bled into the question and Cassian found himself turning to look at the man properly. Bodhi stared back, face expressionless but his eyes…His eyes were a maelstrom of emotion: fury, elation, confusion, grief, swirled around brown irises and Cassian couldn’t look away even if he wanted to.

“Why did you defect?” He asked instead. Bodhi blinked up at him and Cassian felt his mouth go dry. Neither of them spoke, not acknowledging the fact that they had gotten closer in the span of their conversation. Their hands were close to one another and Cassian wanted… _He wanted_ …

“Hope,” Bodhi said, eyes locked onto his own. They glow with strength, before cooling down and Cassian nodded.

“Hope,” Cassian repeated, staring down at Bodhi’s hand. _He wanted…_

Fingers slowly danced across his own and Cassian’s eyes shot up to meet Bodhi’s own nervous ones. A small smile curled on the edge of his lips and Cassian interlocked their fingers.

‘I want this,’ he thought, softly squeezing the man’s hand. The answering squeeze took his breath away. 

His hope manifested into slightly calloused, and clammy hands.  
  


***

They arrived on Yavin Four and Cassian moved around the base. He knew what the council’s decision would be, just as he knew what Bodhi and Jyn’s decision would be. He made his decision as well, and he gathered around as many people as he possibly could to help.

“I couldn’t face myself,” he stated, glancing at Jyn before staring straight at Bodhi, “if I gave up now, none of us could.” And Bodhi grinned, sharp and unrestrained, and Cassian found himself smiling back.

‘It’s beautiful,’ he thought, staring at Bodhi’s bright grin and fluttering hands, ‘almost like a star. I want this. _I want this_.’

***

They had 15 minutes to themselves while everyone got ready. Bodhi was getting the ship ready when Cassian entered, hands moving about the ship with practiced ease. Cassian watched him for a moment before sitting in the co-pilot’s seat. Bodhi looked up at him and Cassian saw the fear, the anger, the determination and the hope, that shone in the man’s eyes.

“This is it,” Bodhi stated, fingers drumming on his lap. Cassian grabbed the man’s hands, unable to stop himself and looked at startled brown. 

“This is it,” he whispered, before leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss on the other man’s lips. Bodhi blinked up at him, face flushed and eyes wide.

“Oh,” he whispered back, “ _oh_.” Cassian smiled. 

“Good oh? Or bad?” Bodhi smiled back, shy and endearing all at once. 

“Good. Definitely good.”

“I just wanted to…In case…”

“I know.”

“I _want_ this. Do you?”

“I do.” Bodhi breathed, eyes glittering like stars. Cassian had never seen anything more beautiful.  
  


***

They bluffed their way through Scarif, Bodhi landing them on one of the launch pads. Cassian patted him on the back and made his way towards the back of the ship to the rest of the soldiers. He felt his hope expand out of him, golden and beautiful, warm and inviting.

“Make ten men feel like a hundred.” He told them, nodding his head as they let out soft cheers.

He felt so hopeful and it ached.

A hand touched his back and Cassian turned around to see Bodhi’s slightly apprehensive eyes staring at him. The man touched his face, a multitude of emotions flashing in his brown irises. 

“I _want_ this,” his eyes told Cassian, warm and afraid all at once, “come back to me.” Cassian found himself nodding, grabbing the hand on his face and pressing a kiss on to the man’s palm.

“I promise,” he whispered and turned and exited the ship. Their mission had begun. 

(Later, in the privacy of his bathroom, Cassian would remember the way Bodhi’s eyes lit up with surprise and flattery, the slight amusement that curled around the edges. He would remember the blush that dusted his brown cheeks, and he would weep.)  
  


***

Cassian was used to working in hostile situations. He was used to war, the way it tainted everything in its path. He was used to the way it ruined people, ripped them up into pieces so tiny they couldn’t fix themselves anymore. Cassian understood war, had grown up in it. But this was different. Sure, he’d always fought for something, always had a larger goal in mind, but it was always abstract, something intangible. This time he was fighting for more. He was fighting for Bodhi and Cassian could help the slight hitch in his breathing every time Bodhi was slow to answer him.

The first to fall was Kay. Cassian screamed himself hoarse and banged on the door as the droid locked him in, a soft “goodbye” the last thing he heard from his friend (his best friend, his _family_ ). He gave himself ten seconds to stand there and quietly fall apart, until he kept going. Like he always did.

Bodhi stopped answering and Cassian gave himself another ten seconds to quietly fall apart, to suck in the blow and ruthlessly push his emotions down. He couldn’t breathe past his pain but Cassian was used to it, used to going when all he wanted to do was lay down and never rise again. He rose again, getting blasted and fall onto several beams not dampening his motivation to _keep going_ in the slightest.

Cassian Andor wouldn’t stop until he was dead. Not if his hope was still alive.  
  


***

He shot Krennic in the chest, barely paying the man any attention, as he and Jyn made their way down to the beach. The two of them walked down the beach until Cassian’s legs couldn’t hold him up anymore. He closed his eyes for a second, breathing in the salty smell of the beach and crisp sand under his fingers and could almost feel tentative hands on his own.

“Is that Baze?” Jyn asked and Cassian’s eyes flew open to see Baze, carrying to people in his arms. Cassian, ignoring his own injuries, hurried to Baze, eyes widening the minute he recognized one of the men cradled in the man’s arms.

“Give him to me,” his voice broke, but Cassian didn’t care. He cared for little but the man in front of him. Baze nodded, slowly and cautious, his eyes pained and empty as though he _knew_  and Cassian looks at the other man in his arms and almost wept. He didn’t though, instead, he took Bodhi’s shuddering form and settled down into the beach. Bodhi’s eyes immediately found his, and Cassian couldn’t help the small hitch in his breathing, nor the tears that stung his eyes.

They were beautiful, they were always beautiful. Bodhi’s hand, trembling and weak rose to touch his face. Cassian ignored the blood that smeared across his face and gripped Bodhi’s hand tightly with his own. Bodhi grinned wide and bloody, a shuddering cough escaped him.

“I wanted,” Bodhi began, his eyes fluttering closed and Cassian’s heart _burned_.

“Shh, it’s okay,” tears fell freely down his cheeks, some of them landing on Bodhi’s face, “it’s okay.”

“I wanted,” Bodhi coughed, chest trembling, fingers becoming slack.

“I love you,” Cassian moaned, rocking the body in his arms, “I love you, _I love you_. You’ll be fine. Help will be on the way.” Bodhi smiled, eyes lighting up and a soft chuckle escaping him before he coughed.

“I love-” fingers went slack in his own, and Bodhi’s eyes closed. His breathing stopped altogether, the words dying with him and Cassian moaned in pain again. He heard nothing, not the boom of the Death Star being fired, not Jyn’s exclaimed, “we’re here!” Nothing. He saw nothing but Bodhi’s body, beautiful even in death. He thrashed as hands grabbed him and hauled him away from the beach, away from Bodhi, lips screaming his denial. The last thing Cassian saw before he was knocked out was Bodhi’s body in Baze’s arms.  
  


***

The funeral was quiet, somber and painful. Cassian said nothing the entire time, eyes never straying from Bodhi’s body. He released a breath as they buried him, hands shaking in his pockets.

Cassian Andor knew loss, understood it intimately. It introduced itself with the death of his parents, sharp and quick, reintroducing itself time and time again throughout his life. This time, it was slow, and too quick at the same time, cruel. He breathed, standing in front of Bodhi’s grave long after everyone had left.

“I love you,” he whispered, eyes cast down and body trembling as he suppressed his sobs. “I wanted to have the chance to love you.”


End file.
